The "WHY ME?!" realization:

(just some underdeveloped thoughts)---

ok so maybe this is some super obvious truth that i'm *just now* beginning to understand (a little)...

you know how ppl (w/i the church especially) always say things like: "well, this will just add to your testimony! blah blah blah..."? So in the past i would begrudgingly think, "yea-- well great for them, sucks for me!" sidenote: I think experiencing things (ie: trial) is made that much more challenging if your focus is off.(!!) will be contemplating that one more in the days to come...

{{FYI-It was in 2007, after much struggle and soul-searching, that it became utterly impossible to deny the existence of God (who may/may not be what u have been believing/not believing...not like i comprehend Him fully/partially by any means!!!!!!) ... if you care to discuss this in further detail, PLEASE do not hesitate to contact me! :O) }}

In beginning this new chapter of my life (that likely involves some "suffering"), i only HOPE i can maintain my focus!!...So. what IS my focus?? hmmm...i guess it would be "fighting to WIN", because when i win (in whatever capacity that may look like), YOU win (BONUS)!!! (a loaded statement for another time)! plus, i seriously DO want to "win"...i have SOOOOoooo much left i want to do/experience/be a part of...!!! (refer to my note entitled "bucket list" for an idea ;O))

So yesterday afternoon (thur-07/15/10), i was thinking about how easy it is to be like: "whhhyyyy MEEE???!!...I'm a Christian!!...I'm SO YOUNG!! (currently-24, diagnosed-3mo after 22nd B-day)...I'm a 'good person'!!" etc etc...which lead me to thoughts of how "we live in a fallen world..." (also one of those other cliches said in an attempt to comfort hurting ppl-ha!) ANYWAY, had that thought. which lead me to this realization of: "who am *I* to think that only 'the world'/"non-Christians" should suffer and experience severe illness/loss etc??" (<----this should be in BOLD!!!!) bc not even JESUS thought He was above experiencing that degree of pain/torment!!) Obviously, God knows that I can endure this by trusting in His strength...(see 2 Cor 12:9!! or ask for clarification :o]) But the thing i feel is significant and likely the truth ppl have been referring to all this time is the fact that, "how would any believer have the place/authority to speak into/encourage the ppl of this world without having a first-hand taste of what they may have experienced?? why would ppl even be interested in what *I* have to say in declaring the "hope to which they have been called"??!!! This could definitely be a sermon/book bc of all the implications of this perspective (and truth)...ie: Jesus took on the sins (injustices, hurt/pain, loss, depravity...) of the WHOLE world!! of course HE has the place to say what is possible, what is true...!!! (just writing/thinking "out loud" here...)

So yea-i like what i heard Bill Johnson say one time when he said something to the effect of: "if you believe something you havent experienced, it is just THEOLOGY" **Surely** i do not want to be a person who goes off spouting things of which i have had no real revelation/experience of!! (maybe that is part of the reason why most ppl despise the church (as an institution) and people who call themselves "Christians"... bc they simply do not "practice what they preach"...and I am NOOO different...just a work in progress, a lump of clay in the Potters hands...trying my best to be malleable (aka: humble!) and BOY is it HARD!! :O)) thank GOD for mercy (and GRACE) and UNCONDITIONAL *love* !!!!!!

Having said that, here are some scriptures that come to mind (check out other versions as well):

"My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength
is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore
will I rather glory in my infirmities,
that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
II Corinthians 12:9

ROMANS 5.3-8:

3Not only so, but we[a] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

6You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

WELL--those are my thoughts for this morning (from yesterday) ;o))

peace.