(OLD draft)This blog is nowhere *near* "ready"...oh well

So had my "dry" radiation run today... met my "team"...will meet w my doc (Rockhill-the best) tomorrow (and once a wk) after my first official treatment! not scared or any kind of anything at all...i'm actually excited. :O)) is that weird? seems kinda like it...must be some kind of "Higher Power" (ie: God) thing bc i just dont think thats a "natural" kind of reaction to ones beginning of radiation therapy (an attempt to postpone/stop progression of BRAIN CANCER) ...right???

anyway...So I'm SOOOOO thankful and relieved that i get my apt time i wanted every day till SEP 9th! (my last scheduled day) and that time is: ONE O CLOCK!! (only about fifteen minutes in and out...just a few min under beam(s))!! ...just *perfect*!! couldnt ask for a better time, SEASON (summer- in the NW!!) or CITY to be havin radiation :O)) thought occured to me today that maybe if my tumor grew as they sort of thought/expected (ie: needing treatment 5-7 more yrs down the road) i would most likely/definately be in another city/state/country...and who knows what kind of outcome i would have had then! (bc right now i honestly have the best team of radiologists/physisists/dosologists etc who made my "plan" which determined beam formation/necessary radiation dose/concentration etc...and how to avoid optical nerve and pituitary gland etc!!)

wow...i could go on...

so i had a **great** day (was DRAAAAGGINNGG from my eventful weekend till i educated myself bout human trafficking which made me so ANGRY n got my blood pumpin)...then my brain would not stop thinkin of things i could do!! MAN!! i just need TIME... MONEY and TALENT(ed) individuals to help!! ....the vision that is ;o)) !!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!! i cannot tell u how pumped ("passionate," if u will) i am about these social justice issues!!! GRRRRR!!!! just need TIME! and $$!!! sigh...i have hope :O))
ANYWAY.

(this is more a journal entry for myself bc i think its faster than writing at this point....)

so i had a ***FANTASTIC*** nite out w some rediculously cool ppl. :D!!!!! climbed up my first control tower by the tracks at Titlow Beach...hung there for a while and watch/heard a train blow
and drive by like 2 ft away from us. (!!!) it was AWESOME!!! ....lil bit later i blew my 1st didgeridoo!!!!! :D!!!! wow. cant *beliEve* i actually got to do that!!! those things are POWERFUL!!! shofar anyone?? yea. thats not even half the nite. it was so great.

met a guy who has had SIX back surgeries and FOUR knee surgeries... (!!!!) :O((( he just turned 50 today. the ppl i was w asked me if i could put the tab from my snapple can in this jar....apparently, they are raising $$ for a man named Rob. Hes in his 30s and was diagnosed w (male) breast cancer a few yrs back. But for him it is basically a death sentence bc, get this, HE HAS *NO* INSURANCE!!! anyways, i guess he somehow gets 25 cents for every tab they/he turns in...these ppl even told me that when he comes over, he doesnt use his tabs for himself but for someone else in his position..... :O((( (btw-if anyone feels "led" to help Rob out, i could help facilitate that. ;o)) just cant imagine having that kind of diagnosis and NO insurance!!??????!!!! and ps-that was *almost* ME!!!!!! woooowww....i'm SO incredibly "lucky"... (!!)
anyway. i think thats all i really cared about writing bout. Awesome nite. Awesome ppl. Awesome day...excited for this treatment!! doing well. (!!) interested in keeping busy (!!) n not all downer in my bed ;o)) ...meeting up w ppl...TRYING NEW THINGS!!! GOING ON ADVENTURES!!!! making friends....LEARNING...hearing stories!!! fyi-please dont hesitate to call (i'm not "sick"...not too busy to talk/return ur call...love hearing from *all* of u... :O)
ok im done. off to bed!!

The "WHY ME?!" realization:

(just some underdeveloped thoughts)---

ok so maybe this is some super obvious truth that i'm *just now* beginning to understand (a little)...

you know how ppl (w/i the church especially) always say things like: "well, this will just add to your testimony! blah blah blah..."? So in the past i would begrudgingly think, "yea-- well great for them, sucks for me!" sidenote: I think experiencing things (ie: trial) is made that much more challenging if your focus is off.(!!) will be contemplating that one more in the days to come...

{{FYI-It was in 2007, after much struggle and soul-searching, that it became utterly impossible to deny the existence of God (who may/may not be what u have been believing/not believing...not like i comprehend Him fully/partially by any means!!!!!!) ... if you care to discuss this in further detail, PLEASE do not hesitate to contact me! :O) }}

In beginning this new chapter of my life (that likely involves some "suffering"), i only HOPE i can maintain my focus!!...So. what IS my focus?? hmmm...i guess it would be "fighting to WIN", because when i win (in whatever capacity that may look like), YOU win (BONUS)!!! (a loaded statement for another time)! plus, i seriously DO want to "win"...i have SOOOOoooo much left i want to do/experience/be a part of...!!! (refer to my note entitled "bucket list" for an idea ;O))

So yesterday afternoon (thur-07/15/10), i was thinking about how easy it is to be like: "whhhyyyy MEEE???!!...I'm a Christian!!...I'm SO YOUNG!! (currently-24, diagnosed-3mo after 22nd B-day)...I'm a 'good person'!!" etc etc...which lead me to thoughts of how "we live in a fallen world..." (also one of those other cliches said in an attempt to comfort hurting ppl-ha!) ANYWAY, had that thought. which lead me to this realization of: "who am *I* to think that only 'the world'/"non-Christians" should suffer and experience severe illness/loss etc??" (<----this should be in BOLD!!!!) bc not even JESUS thought He was above experiencing that degree of pain/torment!!) Obviously, God knows that I can endure this by trusting in His strength...(see 2 Cor 12:9!! or ask for clarification :o]) But the thing i feel is significant and likely the truth ppl have been referring to all this time is the fact that, "how would any believer have the place/authority to speak into/encourage the ppl of this world without having a first-hand taste of what they may have experienced?? why would ppl even be interested in what *I* have to say in declaring the "hope to which they have been called"??!!! This could definitely be a sermon/book bc of all the implications of this perspective (and truth)...ie: Jesus took on the sins (injustices, hurt/pain, loss, depravity...) of the WHOLE world!! of course HE has the place to say what is possible, what is true...!!! (just writing/thinking "out loud" here...)

So yea-i like what i heard Bill Johnson say one time when he said something to the effect of: "if you believe something you havent experienced, it is just THEOLOGY" **Surely** i do not want to be a person who goes off spouting things of which i have had no real revelation/experience of!! (maybe that is part of the reason why most ppl despise the church (as an institution) and people who call themselves "Christians"... bc they simply do not "practice what they preach"...and I am NOOO different...just a work in progress, a lump of clay in the Potters hands...trying my best to be malleable (aka: humble!) and BOY is it HARD!! :O)) thank GOD for mercy (and GRACE) and UNCONDITIONAL *love* !!!!!!

Having said that, here are some scriptures that come to mind (check out other versions as well):

"My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength
is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore
will I rather glory in my infirmities,
that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
II Corinthians 12:9

ROMANS 5.3-8:

3Not only so, but we[a] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

6You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

WELL--those are my thoughts for this morning (from yesterday) ;o))

peace.

Brain Cancer Treatment 101:

So after spending a solid 3 hours at UW Medical Center (top 5 Cancer Center in US) w 3 different docs (and 1 RN) I think i got an idea of what this treatment thing is all about. First of all, every person's tumor is specific to them, and there is no guarantee how one's tumor will respond to treatment (now or in future) and how it will behave biologically.

Based on the tumor board's analysis of my MR scans, it appears as tho the spot on my left side (that we hadn't been aware of till this point... i guess bc they weren't concerned about it until now) has become more apparent/dense (meaning, the cells have multiplied in that area). It is inoperable due to the fact that crucial brain structures would be damaged in the process of accessing the tumor site (on the left side... Not to mention the growth on the right side-as shown in the pic i posted, as well as residual tumor surrounding the resection cavity...and a couple *small* spots below it).

Initially i was set on sending out my records to numerous facilities for 2nd opinions (Swedish, Cedar Sinai, Barrows-in AZ) all of which my doc has had much experience with. However, the fact still remains that i need treatment...and it is up to me which road i want to pursue-chemo/radiation ASAP.

When i got word last wk that i would need treatment, the first recommendation was 5wks of radiation (M-F) or chemo as a 2nd alternative choice...after some research we were under the impression that chemo would make the most sense. However, we were unaware that in my case i would require TWO YEARS of chemo (temodar)!! which, of course, i would do if it was in my best interest...side effects=NO loss of hair :O)), nausea/loss of appetite/weight loss :O( Additionally, the tumor is still capable of growing while undergoing treatment and isn't likely to shrink in size (which i was unaware of!) Apparently, the goal of treatment (from the medical perspective), regardless of what method i choose, is to stop growth-- increasing the length of time bt progression of tumor...they said either way, realize that "chemo (and radiation) is in my future" (which doesnt scare me that bad, bc i know Who is ultimately in control)

I asked my Doc (chief of neurosurgery, Marc Chamberlain) what he would advise me if i were his daughter, and he said definitely radiation. This is also supported by a recent European study of low grade gliomas like mine that shows decreased rate in tumor progression following treatment. Another major factor is the fact that i currently have no presenting symptoms...if i were to do chemo first, and develop symptoms due to progression of tumor, THEN choose radiation, those symptoms are likely to be irreversible.

Having said all that, the only method of radiation appropriate for me is traditional radiation. This is because a large majority of my frontal lobe would need to be targeted in hopes of stopping growth, and covering the pertinent areas. This is a very high-tech, scientific process (as u can imagine) specific to ME and my tumor type. It is given at the highest, safest dose taking about an hour door-to-door (about 10-15min under the 'beam") which i will be completing in seattle at UW. Metaphysists and radiologists actually devise a plan to orchestrate the beams in such a way as to concentrate largely on the areas of concern, so as to spare normal brain tissue from being compromised. Major risks include avoiding critical brain structures (optic nerve and pituitary gland) where if affected could have fairly negative side effects-most reversible by drugs (aside from vision ;o)...but they said the tumor is far enough away where this shouldnt be a problem :O)) Another thing that could be scary is the possibility that my hair will not grow back after treatment (!!!AH!!!) Good thing you can find yourself a decent hair piece if need be-hahaaa :O/ then there is the usual extreme fatigue, short-term memory loss, difficulty concentrating/multi-taskin

g, being in chaotic situations etc...

As far as diet, supplements and alternative medicine goes...brain cancer, specifically, is unique bc there is what is known as a "blood-brain barrier." Blood is actually toxic to the gray matter of the brain and there is actually a filtering system, so to speak, in order to keep it protected. Because of this, most forms of supplementing/dieting are ineffective w respect to brain tumors. As a matter of fact, only certain meds (temodar for example) are able to target the cancer cells in the brain (bc of it's anatomical structure/function...make sense?)

SO. thats the scoop (in a nutshell)...feeling good tho...i think it's the best possible decision at this point and am confident i will emerge a stronger person bc of it! thank you ALL for your prayers, love and support--it means A LOT to have friends and family close by in times like these...cant imagine how ppl do w/o it!! (which, has inspired me to spend my time in retirement type facility(s) during this next couple months! :D!!)

(a "stream of consciousness" type "journal entry"....posted 07/15/10 on fb):

So as you may (or may not) know i am meeting mon morning with my docs at UW med center to discuss treatment options (chemo/radiation). this is due to the outcome of this yesterdays tumor board meeting where my case was presented to the "big dawgs", if you will ;o)...had planned on moving to AZ for a short time bf interning at the LA Dream Center (which i still plan on doing!!) am SUPER excited about all that i would be doing there w/i the city-educating hollywood of humanitarian causes and getting them involved!! feeding homeless, hangin out on the streets etc :O)) cant WAIT!!

the consensus of tumor board was that i would benefit from further treatment, namely, chemo (3ish months) or radiation (6wks, M-F)...apparently there is a spot in my left side that has been there and is "inoperable" along w the 1X1 inch tumor as seen in the MRI comparison i posted earlier (dont know many details yet). The treatment recommendations came as a total shock to me and my family bc we had been thinking, "if anything, worse case scenario would be another surgery..." which, obviously, can be/is very scary, however, we are more comfortable w that option bc we've already been thru it twice and my 2nd surgery went exceptionally well at UW!! At first i was really dreading loosing my hair (head and EYES!!!) :O(( but there are good human hair eyebrows/lashes/wigs if i'm in the mood for it :O)). and thank GOD i look ok bald (and dont mind it that much) plus--I think it's good/essential to bring awareness to ppl regarding the futility/FRAGILITY of life (a WHOLE nother story!! ie: what do you do w your time/money/emotions?? do we live a life that we (i/u) would b proud of if u/i died---now or in very near future...?? Is the life i/u live worth living for? and even dying for? ...realized last summer while talking w a precious friend that ******LOVE (bt God and man) is the only thing worth living for*****.....honestly--i believe this is 100% TRUTH.

But the thing that amazes me is how ok/at peace i have been w the whole thing...it's crazy!! and seems like it could only be attributed to the Supernatural--hahaa...hone

stly, i think most ppl would likely be *freaking* out right now, right? not like i'm some special person or did something to earn/deserve such peace/contentment (I DID NOT) ...such things are GIFTS--coming only by grace (and MERCY)!! this, i *know* is true.

So today, i was just thinkin about how i'm going to be getting chemo (which is a few months ingesting a "cancer cocktail" of drugs) OR radiation for about 6wks (which, u can only radiate your brain once, basically-6wks max in a lifetime bc it's so harmful to the brain)...i wouldnt be suprised if treatment started a wk from monday (maybe sooner...?)

so what all that background info was leading up to is the realization that whatever treatment i begin....it is just that-TREATMENT. just a "preventative measure"--reminding me how lucky I am that they found it when they did-and that it's not just in my brain spreading like crazy w/o my knowledge (which EASILY could have happened!!) and THANK GOD i applied for insurance and got approved FIVE DAYS bf discovering i had brain cancer and needed emergency surgery!!!

Regarding the chemo/radiation therapy...i was reminded of what i learned in my sociology class regarding "symbolic interactionism"...which refers to/analyzes the way ppl respond towards things based on the meaning associated w whatever the issue/subject may be. In my case, i can see how ppl would respond to the fact that i will be getting treatment and begin to stress and be sad and upset and all that (which, i have definately been thru-- that and more, as u can can imagine) however, i am *SO* relieved to be seeing things from a different perspective this time around :O))!!!!! It just makes sense that if u are sick, u go to the doctor and u get meds!! (unless u go to a naturopath ;o) hahaa) in my case, these are just stronger meds used to fight a more severe illness...w potentially "greater" side effects (from meds) but then again, cancer research and treatment/therapy has come a looooonnnnggg way even in the last few years and there are many more options that have had great success for ppl in my condition (and i'm not just being "optimistic" ;o))

A couple nites ago i realized that deep down i DO have this underlying conviction that i WILL make it to the other side...and no matter how hard it may be (now or later) i will be victorious!! if i have to loose my hair (that i have worked SOOO hard to grow out...and lose my precious lashes and brows!!) and end up sick-looking (and not FIT and healthy like i've been pursuing)...if thats what it will take to have more LIFE, and more time---it's much much MORE than worth it and SUCH a *small* price to pay!!! (DUH) :O)) and it's crazy too bc i actually *want* to keep living this time around-hahaa, another story :O)) ever since june 27, i have had *such* clarity of vision/dreams for my life which i feel entirely compelled to fulfill!!! it's rather empowering...as we know, "without vision, the people perish!!" HOPE is definitely a powerful thing! THANK GOD for the hope that i have been injected with, for the overwhelming peace (and joy even) that i have in this time...i am SO grateful. (!!) SO thankful for all my AMAZING, loving and persevering, supportive family and those faithful, rare friends who stand by my side no matter WHAT!!!! come bad moods, life crisis', differing of opinions/lifestyles...good times and bad-there they are, ever loving, ever true (cheesy, i know ;o)). LOVE LOVE LOVE u ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! more than u know. and THANK YOU, once again, for supporting me in this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3