(a "stream of consciousness" type "journal entry"....posted 07/15/10 on fb):

So as you may (or may not) know i am meeting mon morning with my docs at UW med center to discuss treatment options (chemo/radiation). this is due to the outcome of this yesterdays tumor board meeting where my case was presented to the "big dawgs", if you will ;o)...had planned on moving to AZ for a short time bf interning at the LA Dream Center (which i still plan on doing!!) am SUPER excited about all that i would be doing there w/i the city-educating hollywood of humanitarian causes and getting them involved!! feeding homeless, hangin out on the streets etc :O)) cant WAIT!!

the consensus of tumor board was that i would benefit from further treatment, namely, chemo (3ish months) or radiation (6wks, M-F)...apparently there is a spot in my left side that has been there and is "inoperable" along w the 1X1 inch tumor as seen in the MRI comparison i posted earlier (dont know many details yet). The treatment recommendations came as a total shock to me and my family bc we had been thinking, "if anything, worse case scenario would be another surgery..." which, obviously, can be/is very scary, however, we are more comfortable w that option bc we've already been thru it twice and my 2nd surgery went exceptionally well at UW!! At first i was really dreading loosing my hair (head and EYES!!!) :O(( but there are good human hair eyebrows/lashes/wigs if i'm in the mood for it :O)). and thank GOD i look ok bald (and dont mind it that much) plus--I think it's good/essential to bring awareness to ppl regarding the futility/FRAGILITY of life (a WHOLE nother story!! ie: what do you do w your time/money/emotions?? do we live a life that we (i/u) would b proud of if u/i died---now or in very near future...?? Is the life i/u live worth living for? and even dying for? ...realized last summer while talking w a precious friend that ******LOVE (bt God and man) is the only thing worth living for*****.....honestly--i believe this is 100% TRUTH.

But the thing that amazes me is how ok/at peace i have been w the whole thing...it's crazy!! and seems like it could only be attributed to the Supernatural--hahaa...hone

stly, i think most ppl would likely be *freaking* out right now, right? not like i'm some special person or did something to earn/deserve such peace/contentment (I DID NOT) ...such things are GIFTS--coming only by grace (and MERCY)!! this, i *know* is true.

So today, i was just thinkin about how i'm going to be getting chemo (which is a few months ingesting a "cancer cocktail" of drugs) OR radiation for about 6wks (which, u can only radiate your brain once, basically-6wks max in a lifetime bc it's so harmful to the brain)...i wouldnt be suprised if treatment started a wk from monday (maybe sooner...?)

so what all that background info was leading up to is the realization that whatever treatment i begin....it is just that-TREATMENT. just a "preventative measure"--reminding me how lucky I am that they found it when they did-and that it's not just in my brain spreading like crazy w/o my knowledge (which EASILY could have happened!!) and THANK GOD i applied for insurance and got approved FIVE DAYS bf discovering i had brain cancer and needed emergency surgery!!!

Regarding the chemo/radiation therapy...i was reminded of what i learned in my sociology class regarding "symbolic interactionism"...which refers to/analyzes the way ppl respond towards things based on the meaning associated w whatever the issue/subject may be. In my case, i can see how ppl would respond to the fact that i will be getting treatment and begin to stress and be sad and upset and all that (which, i have definately been thru-- that and more, as u can can imagine) however, i am *SO* relieved to be seeing things from a different perspective this time around :O))!!!!! It just makes sense that if u are sick, u go to the doctor and u get meds!! (unless u go to a naturopath ;o) hahaa) in my case, these are just stronger meds used to fight a more severe illness...w potentially "greater" side effects (from meds) but then again, cancer research and treatment/therapy has come a looooonnnnggg way even in the last few years and there are many more options that have had great success for ppl in my condition (and i'm not just being "optimistic" ;o))

A couple nites ago i realized that deep down i DO have this underlying conviction that i WILL make it to the other side...and no matter how hard it may be (now or later) i will be victorious!! if i have to loose my hair (that i have worked SOOO hard to grow out...and lose my precious lashes and brows!!) and end up sick-looking (and not FIT and healthy like i've been pursuing)...if thats what it will take to have more LIFE, and more time---it's much much MORE than worth it and SUCH a *small* price to pay!!! (DUH) :O)) and it's crazy too bc i actually *want* to keep living this time around-hahaa, another story :O)) ever since june 27, i have had *such* clarity of vision/dreams for my life which i feel entirely compelled to fulfill!!! it's rather empowering...as we know, "without vision, the people perish!!" HOPE is definitely a powerful thing! THANK GOD for the hope that i have been injected with, for the overwhelming peace (and joy even) that i have in this time...i am SO grateful. (!!) SO thankful for all my AMAZING, loving and persevering, supportive family and those faithful, rare friends who stand by my side no matter WHAT!!!! come bad moods, life crisis', differing of opinions/lifestyles...good times and bad-there they are, ever loving, ever true (cheesy, i know ;o)). LOVE LOVE LOVE u ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! more than u know. and THANK YOU, once again, for supporting me in this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3